Almost Ready

A year ago I submitted my show to the Chicago Fringe Festival. It was my first festival and a nerve-wracking experience.

In the span of four days I went from ZERO pre-sold tickets to SELLING OUT.  I only did three shows but I got bit by the fringe bug. And I began planning The Mystery Tour.

Around the same time I had a bunch of personal stuff happen all at once. I lost a friend to suicide and my apartment flooded. It was a rough several weeks. Being onstage gave me a respite from the realities of life and I channeled any stress I was feeling into my creative projects.

Flash forward to this week and I’ve come full circle. It took a full year - A FULL YEAR - but the new floors were finally finished this week.  I’ve been living out of boxes and bags for months, sleeping on a pull out sofa, and unable to get in a routine.

But somehow, over the last two months, I wrote the fragments of a new show.

I storyboarded ideas onto post-it notes on the back of a door. Then, when the door came off the hinges I moved the notes to the floor.

I wrote several new monologues for the show - really personal, cerebral stuff that I’m still not quite convinced anyone will care about but me. Somehow I discovered a thru-line and tied all the stories together.

But last week as I was tearing boxes apart in search of a prop, I literally freaked-the-fuck-out because I couldn’t find what I needed. I eventually found it but not before I had a full-on mental breakdown. The stress of the home renovation, the exhaustion of traveling, and the rigors of working in this environment had finally gotten to me.

It was time to come to terms with my situation. I had to be honest with myself and admit that the show is finished - but it’s not ready.

It’s 50%, maybe 60% ready, but it’s not up to my standards. When it comes to my show, I’m a perfectionist. And it’s hard to get the show where I want when I’ve been living in a construction zone for the past six weeks.

With another two weeks of rehearsal in a less chaotic environment I would probably be ready to debut the new show in full. But, this is the reality of living where you work and working where you live. When you live a creative life you learn to be satisfied with how far you've come even if you aren't quite satisfied with where you are.

A year ago my fringe show was a few lines in my notebook. But now, a year and 100+ performances later, I’ve written not one - but TWO - completely different shows. And I’m putting the greatest hits from both shows onstage seven times over the next ten days at the 2017 Chicago Fringe Festival.

After that, I’m going to perfect the rest of my new material on my new floors at home. And once it’s ready, I’m going on tour all over again. You’d better get ready, too.

Privilege

I’ll be honest. I wasn’t fully aware of the extent of my white privilege until earlier this year.

I was performing for an event in the middle of nowhere as the featured entertainment for an annual celebration. Many of my gigs take me to obscure locations around the country. Gigs in middle America are vastly different than gigs in major coastal cities. Fancy hors d'oeuvres and expensive wines are replaced by buffet lines and All-American beers. The meal is prefaced with a prayer and everyone is incredibly polite.

That’s one of the biggest perks of my job: I get to travel the world meeting people from all walks of life. I’m thrust into new situations and get to pretend like I belong for a few hours. It’s a constant adventure.

But, many months ago, I had a realization. I was chatting with my client about living in the city. They responded with “I don’t think I could go to Chicago. There are too many eth-en-ticities [sic] there…”

I bit my tongue and changed the subject. I wasn’t going to end racism by fighting with sixty people in a small town. (Plus, I still needed to get paid for that show.) But it did make me think of something that I hadn’t before: 

I realized that they thought I was one of them.

See, I’m from a small town in Kansas so I have a folksy, down-to-earth charm that allows me to fit in everywhere I go. I may be a big city liberal elite but I’m a chameleon at the many events I work. I’m able to relate to different people in different places and get along with all of them thanks to my midwestern upbringing and, more specifically, the color of my skin.

It was the first time I realized that other performers in my field were probably missing out on these gigs because they were a different race than I am. It occurred to me that there was a whole portion of the population that were too afraid of hiring someone different than them and, as a result, they were missing out on experiencing some of the best entertainment in the world.

In that moment I was angry and sad and everything in between. I finally understood how incredibly fortunate I am to be a white man in America. Not only do I get to make a living as an entertainer, but I get to do so wherever I want without fear of discrimination or injustice.

If you can’t see that you’re even more privileged than I am.

Ideas

Your ideas are not safe.

They will be borrowed, twisted, contorted, and stolen. They will be used and abused until you don’t even recognize them yourself. When you put an idea into the world you can be confident that you’re not getting it back. It doesn’t belong to you any more.

Sometimes you’ll have an idea, only to discover that someone beat you to it. When that happens you have to be honest with yourself. You have to abandon your idea because it’s already been done. Congratulate yourself on thinking like another person but don’t hold onto the idea like it will be your last one ever. It’s not your idea. Move on.

Sometimes you’ll have an idea and put in hours to develop it. Then, someone else will come along and steal it. They shamelessly let you put in all the heavy lifting before stepping in at the last second to claim it as their own. Usually, they have really lame excuses for their behavior.

“It’s such an obvious idea. I’m surprised more people aren’t doing it.”

“I didn’t know it was a big deal.”

“I didn’t even know I was doing it.”

Those are direct quotes from people who I have heard discussing the theft of creative ideas. They come directly from message boards, chat rooms, and real life.

The problem, of course, is that an obvious idea takes a lot of hard work. Making something look simple is really fucking hard. When someone else steps in and strips you of your idea they are not only robbing you of your final product, they are cheating you of months of labor and thought. They’re being lazy and you end up getting the shaft.

I experience this all the time. My friends let me know when people are using my jokes or routines without my permission. People have stolen my ad copy word for word, copied my photos, and even tried to take my clients right out from under my nose. It’s the sad truth of the career I’ve chosen.

People want a short cut. They don’t want to spend hours to get where they want to be. They need an easier option or a magic word that will get them there. So they lift a paragraph from someone and borrow a photo from someone else and before you know it, they have a muddled mess, copied and pasted from other creative minds. I don’t know how these people can sleep at night.

I write all of this to say, that I don’t care if you steal my ideas. Sure, it’ll suck and I’ll be sure to tell you I’m not happy. (I’ll say it to your face, believe me.)  But, it’s going to keep happening. It doesn’t make it any easier but I’ve come to terms with it.

The more success you have, the more other people’s ideas start to look just like yours. Just be ready for it and keep creating. The only thing you can do is work your ass off to stay ahead.

Execution

Here we are, one year and fifty-two essays later. Some better than others, but all labors of love.

Since last August, I’ve spent every Friday through Wednesday working on new ideas for this blog. Through ups and downs, early mornings and late nights I’ve kept at it.

Each day I grab a coffee and sit down to brainstorm new ideas. I use an app called Bear on my MacBook. It’s incredibly useful for organizing my thoughts so I can see if they’ll make the cut for any given Thursday.

Since starting “Thursday Thoughts” I’ve also been busier than ever. In the past twelve months I performed over 100 shows in 35 states and 3 countries, made three TV appearances, sold out shows from NYC to San Diego, and went on a two month tour around North America.

I do all of this on my own. No agent, no manager - just my wife and me working tirelessly to make it a reality.

Good things start to happen if you stick with something for at least a year. You get better. You learn more about yourself. And people start to take notice.

I’ve booked some shows from the blog. Some essays led to in-person debates. One essay even led to an unexpected phone conversation.

As a result of “Thursday Thoughts” I’ve made some new friends. Those friends led to new experiences. And one of those led to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. 

All of this and more because I keep publishing every single week.

I always wanted to be a better writer - I was just waiting to have a platform. But I got tired of waiting…so I created my own. Now I write all the time and I’m slowly getting better each and every day.

The funny thing is, I’m not running out of ideas. The more I write, the more inspired I feel. So I keep writing daily with one goal in mind: to keep posting every Thursday. 

Ideas are easy, it’s the execution that’s hard.  But if you stick with it, it’s always worth it. That’s what these 365 words on day 365 prove.

One year down, many more to go.

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If you like my work, please consider supporting me on Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can help me bring my show to a city near you.

Go With The Flow

I’ve been spending much of the summer working on a new show. Most of that time is spent creating new ideas and writing scripts. It’s a long, arduous process.

Sometimes I’ll spend an entire day (or week!) working on a new idea, only to flip through a book and discover that someone else already beat me to it. 

Or, I’ll suddenly recall seeing it performed by someone else years ago. It got filed away and forgotten before I convinced myself it was my own idea. Eventually, though, I remember seeing it and abandon it altogether.

It can be very frustrating.

Another good idea? No, unfortunately it’s right here on page 67.

How about this? Nope! Saw it during college back in 2008.

I was having this discussion with my wife recently. I had another idea for the show, only to realize that several people had already done it. As a result, I was hitting my head against a metaphorical brick wall and not making any progress.

“Did those other people invent it?” she asked.

“No, not really.” I said.

“Did they all perform it the same way?”

“No, they performed it in their own styles.”

“Okay, so why don’t you just perform it how Mark Toland would?”

She was absolutely right.

In my quest to be original, I was actually limiting myself too much. I was trying so hard to be different that I wasn’t giving myself a chance to get started.

A lot of people I know talk about flow - the mental state of being completely present and fully immersed in a task - and how much it contributes to their creativity. Basically, you become so involved in what you’re doing that distractions fade away and the creative process becomes second nature.

That’s the goal. That’s what all artists dream of. But how can you get there if you never give yourself a chance to get started?

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If you like my work, please consider supporting me on Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can help me bring my show to a city near you.